just what do we need, anyway?
if there is one single thing a woman over 40 needs, i suspect it is pretty simple: time. we have lots of things that we have to do (and may even like to do). jobs (in an office or at home), sometimes endless chores from picking up the dry cleaning to finding the holiday ornaments, keeping ourselves healthy, keeping our loved ones healthy, and on and on. in the face of all those “must dos,” though, we also have as many or more things we want to do. we have our bucket lists. places to go, courses to take, parks to explore, perhaps relationships to start — many of us are just now realizing who we really are or want to be. for as many things we have to do, we have an equal number of things that we dream.
so how do we possibly get it all done while still finding a way to live our dreams? how do we make sure our bucket list gets as much attention as our to do list? well, i will be frank here — this is not an easy task. many other people usually rely on us, whether our children, our parents or partners, and it’s all too easy to put off caring for ourselves as we care for others. (i know well that caring for others is a way we care for ourselves because it is a truly amazing thing to love others, but here i am talking about the fulfillment we get from our individual aspirations).
i certainly don’t have all the answers, but i do have some lessons learned from my own mistakes (and even a few things i got right). and finding the strategies and resources to make me better at this life balancing act is something i intend to focus on more than ever. no doubt you have your own secret sauce that is perfect some days and less so on others (please share!). I expect i will write on this again but i will mention just two things here (you are busy!)
never assume you are done becoming you.
its more likely you are just discovering you. studies routinely show that women become more confident the older they get — not because they suddenly develop an affinity for wrinkles, but because their confidence is no longer defined by standards set by others. we basically reach a bit of a “screw them” moment and define our value as we choose to. we see ourselves not merely as our bodies but as women who play many roles that truly matter. we still enjoy looking great, but we define what great looks like. we are braver, stronger and more independent. and so it is now that we can become whoever it is we really are — without reference to any guide on what we should be.
when we embrace that moment, we may discover parts of who we are that surprise us. for most of my adult life, i existed in a very black and white world. as an attorney at a public company, i spent most of my time surrounded by words and numbers. i could write well, but had anyone asked (no one really did), i would have said i could not have drawn a stick figure. too bad too, because my father had spent a lot of time trying to teach me the fundamentals of art.
well, it turns out i was wrong. now i love to paint and draw and sew. i love to decorate my home and would not dream of leaving the beauty of the sacred space i believe home to be to the opinions of another. my vision of myself changed and apparently the ability followed. i am not a renowned artist or designer, but i find immense serenity and happiness from these hobbies of mine and there are even others out there who like the results too! it was all about being open to the idea that maybe i could draw a stick figure. and it’s funny, we are much better at finding time for the things that bring us joy.
sometimes our bucket list finds us.
memorialize even the crazy.
have you ever been randomly perusing some website or magazine and seen an article on a month long cooking course in Italy? Or stayed in some adorable bed and breakfast and thought how great it would be to run such a place? take that crazy thought and write it down (or put in in your Notes app or whatever). Because someday maybe those ideas won’t feel crazy, they might just feel like the perfect amount of irresponsible and wacky. They might feel like the thing that you can’t imagine leaving this world without doing. They might feel not too hot, not too cold, but indeed just right.
maybe notebooks of dreams isn’t your thing. but at least don’t dismiss the crazy as just that. keep it somewhere in the recesses of your mind for the day you need it. or just desperately want it.