thankful for my mom’s great day.
thanksgiving has passed and I am thankful. thankful that my guests had fun and that both family and friends felt comfortable in my home.
but perhaps the day was better — at least less anxiety inducing for me — because I started the day recognizing that the day is not about the quality of the turkey or the perfection of the place setting.
my mother was anxious though. having spent most of my adult life across the country, this was my debut hosting the annual family meal. she believes in me, but only the naive host eleven guests in a New York City apartment and assumes all will go well.
but what I said to her is what I say here — the worst that can happen is we eat pizza. the day is good or bad, fun or excruciating, because of the people who come together on that day. when is the last time you ordered turkey at a restaurant, anyway? (i suspect most of us choose another meat, or no meat at all). does anyone really enjoy feeling so stuffed that a nap is our only desire? frankly, pizza starts to sound pretty good.
we each define success differently, but I declare this year’s holiday a success because my 86 year old mother declared it so: “I can’t think of a single thing that could have been better,” she said. are there really words that make a daughter happier than that?
could some things have been better? undoubtedly. I ran out of time and didn’t make the hot dip I planned to. seating was “cozy,” to say the least. etc. but there wasn’t a single snide or sarcastic comment made (subtle digs are often the weapon of choice among family members). we honored my mother by using her mother’s wine glasses as well as her collection of vintage teacups. having had to sell her house and rid herself of many lifetime treasures to move to New York City makes the treasures that remain all that more significant. we shared funny family memories (well, they are funny now at least…). we truly enjoyed being together and no one ran for the door at the earliest opportunity.
speaking later, my siblings and I agreed: my mom had a great day and, by definition, that made it a great day. I suspect as one ages we realize that our true legacy in this world is the people who follow us — we live on forever because we exist within the family and friends whose lives we have touched. I know that when my father died in 2022, my one comfort is my knowledge that he lives on through his many children and grandchildren.
many of you who read my words have older parents too. the holiday hosting torch may well have passed to you by now. as we move on to the next holiday, though, I hope the stress of hosting is tempered for you by the realization that pizza is always an easy option. giving a parent the gift of a family that loves and enjoys each other is, at times, not.
i think at some point our parents realize that they will not be here forever to heal our wounds or to mend the fences between us. it is a wonderful gift to your parent if you can assure them that you will take care of each other, that their legacy is one of love and support.
the holidays are stressful. period. but I suggest that if need be, order a pizza and call your sibling, child or cousin and say hello. be thankful. most gifts will be available next year or even in ten years. letting a parent know that their legacy is one of love? well, we hope with all we have that we will give that gift next year and in ten years too. but just in case, maybe this year is a good year.